I cannot even begin to describe how bad 2009 was for me. I though 2008 was horrible enough, but, 2009 was the worst.
Even today, on the very last day of 2009, I have to deal with problems and issues. Right here, right now as I am blogging, I am also trying my very best not to let the tears escape. While at the same time, I have to think of a solution for my latest problem.
How should I begin..?
2009 has been a year filled with too much frustrations and disappointments, waaay too much. Problems come one after another before I can even take a breather.
Although I have long forgotten most parts, there are certain issues that will remain. Because they are problems which I cannot solve within a day or two. I am not just stuck in a vicious cycle, I am sinking in a seemingly bottomless pit. I have always known that I am stuck in this vicious cycle, and I know that I have to get out of it. Something which I am certain that I will be able to acheive someday.
But in 2009, I was pulled into this seemingly bottomless pit situation. And at this point of time, darkness still encompasses my life. I see no light in front of my path, not even a dim, and I have no idea how I am to climb out of this pit.
I tried my best to aid the situation, but it had a minimal impact. Why? Because while I was slowly refilling this hole bit by bit, people were digging bigger holes elsewhere. Thus, I had to cancel whatever plans that I had set for myself. Friends asked me, "I thought you were planning for this and that? What happened?". I could only reply with a "Ha. Plan cancelled".
This was the 'best part' that happened in office today.
Wing: I thought you wanted to go Taiwan?
Mui Huang: I thought you planned to go Hong Kong?
SY: (forced laughter) All cancelled. *Points at weide* So was our USA (work-and-play) plans as well.
At that point I felt a huge pang. Only then I realised that I had cancelled all my plans in the past 2 years and placed myself right at the bottom of the piority list.
Disappointments, frustrations, helplessness.
Honestly, not only did Mummy not help the situation, being her tyical self, she made it worse for me. I cannot even begin to explain how much emotional trauma I get from her for the past 23 years of my life. She have not been the kind of mother I have imagined one that I would have, in fact, she is almost on the other extreme end. But this is a topic that I shall not and will never ever touch anymore. Simply because she is my mother, and I can only accept her for who she is. Even though she literally drives me crazy in many occassion, I have learnt not to complain and resent about her. After 23 years of fruitful attempts, I am already at the stage where I know that there is simply nothing I can do about this issue already.
Just today, I asked a friend to help me with a small problem of mine. It wasn't really much of a problem, perhaps frustration or constraint would be a better word for it. So I was pretty glad that I managed to get this minor issue off my mind. Sadly, I was met with another major problem which I eventually decided that the help I received for the first issue, will be used to deal with the latter instead. It was an obvious choice on what I had to do, on what I had to choose between the 2. But it was just this feeling of frustration that put me down for the day.
Finally on the 365th day of this year, I am almost done walking through this year of my life. No matter how tough 2009 had been, I have walked it through and survived. We are on the closing stage of 2009 chapter and I cannot wait for it to end. I will be heading out to Sook Theng's house (after I am done with this) to join the rest for countdown. And then, it will be a fresh new start..
I don't know why, but I have this strong & positive feeling telling me that 2010 is going to be a great year for me. I am filled with hope and am very much anticipating the arrival of it. Even though I have yet to see any light, I am sure I will be able to in the near future. Moreover, along with the many hypes that will happen in 2010, I will be kept entertained throughout even if I do (hope not!) continue to sink deeper. I already foresee many changes in my attitude and how I will be dealing with issues. First half of 2010 will practically be a disappearance act for me as I try my best to concentrate on studies while juggling with my work. Then for the second half of 2010, I will try my best in every mean and way to better my situation. Even if I have to foresake certain stuff.
It certainly feels better after I dumped everything out. I am not resenting. I have already accepted things as they were since I was young. But it really hadn't been easy to keep it all to myself for so long, especially as I add on more weights onto my shoulder. I cannot remember the last time I tried to share my true inner feelings with any individual. That was more than one year ago, and also probably one of the few times I did in my entire life.
I will continue walking, and carve a path of my own.
This is a post not of complaints, not of resentment, not of judgement, not of sadness.
This is a post of conviction, of anticipation, of determination, of perserverance.